Sunday, January 20, 2008

It's not easy being....

green. Or blue. Or whatever other color you feel you are at this moment. Have you ever noticed that we sometimes express emotions by colors? Green is for envy. Blue is for sadness. Red is for anger. Pink is for embarrassment. I'm sure the list could go on. It's just odd how one day we just starting associating our emotions with colors.
Lately I've been trying to control my emotions. I would have to say, if I was being completely honest, that I'm not a very good person. Sure, I may seem that way, but to myself I'm not all that people think I am. I don't read my Bible everyday. I sometimes act before I think, which later makes me regretful I ever opened my big mouth. I'm not as quick to apologize as I am to criticize. I sometimes give unwanted advice. I get nervous in some situations and instead of saying something easy and simple (or better yet, nothing at all) I open my mouth and blurt out the first unintelligable thing I can think of. If I'm feeling bad or something has happened I try and guilt other people, so they will feel responsible for the way I am feeling. I hold onto a grudge well after the time it should have been let go. I follow the majority more times than I make my own decisions, no matter what the majority thinks. I am engrained with these judgements of people or issues that I am just realizing I have opinions on myself, but have been agreeing with others all along because that is what I learned to do.
Why do I do such things? It boggles my mind, not to mention irritates me, when I do something stupid and then not 2 seconds later am thinking "Why did I do that? What was hoping to have happen from saying/doing that?" Who am I trying to impress? Others? Should that really be who I'm trying to impress? I think that the One I should be trying to make a good impression with is God. But sometimes it is so easy for me to fall into the worldy ways and not focus on Him, but instead focus on myself. I think one reason is because I haven't been as prayerful as I should be. I mean prayer is after all an ongoing conversation with God. Why can't I talk to Him while I'm at school? Believe me I need to draw on Him for all the strength I can get while I'm there. Going to a catholic institution for schooling does not mean everyone is a "good christian". I feel more pressured and.... alone there more than any other place. Which I guess makes sense since I'm spending the majority of my time there. I shoudn't feel alone though. God is with me wherever I go. However, it still doesn't make it any easier to do the right thing constantly, day after day. Now, this isn't some lead in to a story about I got totally wasted this weekend and can't remember a thing that happened. I'm just saying that life is hard. It's hard to stay on the path you know God wants you on. You are faced with decision after decision, day after day, and sometimes you just want to turn around and see if the devil himself is following you, putting these "challenges" in your path. *sigh*
I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I'm working on all of the aforementioned qualities that I possess, but would rather get rid of. I've been finding myself praying a lot more and relying on God to help with my words and my actions. Some people have already started to notice and others still don't have any idea. Some have noticed that I'm quieter in some situations. That isn't because I'm mad or upset or trying to think of something smart to say. I'm simply praying and thinking on what I should do next and how God would want me to react. I'm working out my emotions so that I don't explode on some poor person who didn't see it coming. I'm trying to hold my tongue and not give unwanted advice. I'm trying to be nicer with the way my words come across to others. I'm trying to remove the harshness from my words and deliver them with sincerity instead of judgement. I'm trying to be the person that some people think I am instead of the person that I know I am.
All I can say is that I'm a work in progress. Just because I say I'm trying to change these things doesn't mean it will happen overnight. I know that after so many years you fall into a pattern. It may not be good, but it's oh so hard to get out of once you realize it's wrong. I just felt like I should share my realizations that I've come to over the past few weeks. Maybe it will inspire you to change yourself. Maybe not. You may not need to change. It doesn't really matter what you do or what I do, because we don't answer to eachother. We answer to our Heavenly Father. He is the only one with an opinion that holds any weight when we are looking for judgement.
So, beware of this work in progress. I'm not perfect. I'll be the first to admit that. I'm just asking for patience as I try to make some not so easy changes in my life. I would be lying if I said I wasn't afraid of what lies ahead. I'm basically trying to change my whole self. That is scary, especially when I am still at a vulnerable age wher I am SO influenced by peers. But, I will try my best, and that is all that I can do. I've asked for His mercy to flow around me, and that is where I start anew....

Ezekiel 18:31, 36:26,27 Rid yourselves of all offenses you have committed... I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and becareful to keep my laws.

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